Tip #14 - Just hold on

Nothing is uglier then seeing yourself mirrored in what your children say or do.  You (maybe just me) are suddenly seeing what your children see and VOW to do better or at least say it out of their hearing.  The babies are playing in the family room while I am answering an email.  They are pretending to talk to each other on the phone and girl says to boy, "Just wait, I have to take a pill".  Shoot!  I already feel like some kind of druggie with all the pharm I am currently on - see I know the lingo.  But I wasn't even thinking that they were aware of all that.  Silly me!

Then baby girl wanders through the house belting Tomorrow from Annie.  She sounds like a diva and suddenly my heart soars.  When I was young I really thought I was the next Annie.  I planned around that eventuality.  Need I mention this did not happen.  But to hear my only girl embrace the music I loved and to see her unafraid to be herself and sing with abandon is...awesome doesn't seem to cover it.

So they see the cruddy and the great.  I guess we take it all and thank heaven for the ride!

Tip #13 - Enjoy the ride

Last year during soccer season, I think our little World Cup man and his team maybe won two games.  Maybe.  It was a miserable run but he kept his spirits up and tried to make the best of it.  Unfortunately, they lost so badly they were the most boring games of my life.  In today's second game, our little champion scored the first, then the second, then the THIRD, THEN THE FOURTH goal of the game.  I was in frozen awe at the end of the field.  Frozen I say not from disbelief or joy.  Frozen because the temperature was a balmy 45 degrees and the howling wind nudged that nearer to 40.  I was so cold that I missed the photo op at one and two and then sorta got a pic of three maybe four.  I did not miss the op because of frozen fingers but because selfishly I refused to let go of my hot chocolate - I'll just tell the family about it later.  Thankfully, I got a few more chances to redeem myself.  4-0 in a soccer game is a little tough to come back from (especially since it was within the first 10-15min. of the game) but I figured that the opposing team would rally and we would have a contest.  Actually, I was praying we would we have some kind of blood pumping, heart racing game since I was pretty sure I was going to go into hypothermia before half-time.  However it was not to be.  The coach immediately moved his top scorer to defense and then everyone else on our team had a crack at the goal.  We finally left the field, half frozen, ready to collapse from wind driven chill, numb head to toe (I would NOT have made a good pioneer) with the score of 14-0.  It was the most boring game of my life.

On another and not so boring note: Our little 10yr-old needed to complete a service project to receive his Webelos badge in Cub Scouts.  Noticing last night that our neighbors had mulch out in a pile in their driveway he decided that it would be nice to go over today and help spread it.  So this morning he suited up in rain gear, because of course it was raining, and borrowed our wheelbarrow and walked over with Dad to help out.  Our neighbor lady was already spreading mulch herself and was glad to see my family.  It turned out (and we had no idea previously) that our neighbors father had died only two days ago and he was in the house trying to deal with his crippling loss while his wife tried to deal with a gigantic pile of mulch that had to be spread that day or the rain was going to make it much harder to spread.  Sometimes angels appear in a burst of light, sometimes they appear on the road to Damascus and sometimes they appear as a 10yr-old boy pushing a wheelbarrow.

Tip #12 - Keep up

Ever heard of George Rogers Clark?  Me neither.  Ever heard of the battle for Fort Sackville?  Me neither.  It turns out to be of the most important battles in the American Revolution and GR Clark was the commander.  Whoa.  My 10yr-old has forgotten more about the Revolutionary War then I will ever know.  This kid is just this side of savant.  He remembers EVERYTHING he sees or hears.  This is a blessing and a curse.  It is possible he will win a million on Jeopardy but getting to simply look at the teacher for any sustained amount of time is impossible. Ah well, my future retirement looks good anyway.

On another tangent.  If you really want to start your day off on the right foot, try attending a PTO board meeting with a 3 and 5yr-old that have been awakened to come and have only had 2 doughnuts thus far that day.  Then insist on asking question after question about middle school registration while the rest of the mothers look askance in your direction.  (As if they didn't have kids entering - sheesh.)  THEN go to hear sweet little George Rogers Clark give his awesome presentation and be told by another mother, indirectly of course, that if I would have just quit having children I could be volunteering in the classroom more and then I wouldn't have had to ask so many questions.  Sigh.  Thank goodness tomorrow is Saturday.

Tip #11 - Breathe already!

My children INHALE their food.  As any helicopter mother will do, I dish them all up, prepare to sit down and they are asking for seconds.  I do not have an army to feed where getting to them takes some time - although we do have 2.5 the national fertility rate (according to the CIA world fact book), I should be able to sit down before anyone else needs refilling.  I finally decided to watch and see where all this food was going.  I kid you not, my 7yr-old was actually shoveling the food WITH BOTH HANDS into his mouth.  He honestly looked like a refugee that had not eaten for weeks - except he is plump, clothed and is wearing glasses.  (My apology to actual refugees.)  My 10yr-old had lowered his face until it was barely hovering over the plate had was taking heaping mounds of food that had to travel maybe 2cm. to reach his face.  I was astonished.  I am completely sure that they have NEVER seen me or my husband eat this way.  Are they really starving?  Do they think the food will actually run out?  Do they have somewhere they need to be?  (Poor excuse).  I reminded them of how they needed to act at the table and had the 7yr-old go and wash his hands.  (He was using both hands but only one fork.)  I then sat down and had a few bites of food until he came back and I needed to serve him again.  Later I thought I would just let them serve themselves so I could sit and enjoy the food for a change.  This required my 3yr-old to heap powered sugar onto his German pancake on his own.  (Actually he was going to do it himself regardless of me - he is STILL in the "me do it" stage and it is wearing thin.)  He spooned great mounds of the sugar onto his plate and I had him stop and commented that he now had mountains of sugar on his pancake.  He replied, "It's not a mountain, it's a pyramid."  I just went back to eating.

Tip #10 - Recognition is the first step to recovery

Hi my name is Slogger M. and I am a helicopter mom.  I hover above my children and at the first sign of distress I swoop in and save them.  This was never more evident than last night at our 11yr. old's first Court of Honor.  As I sat and watched him compete in the backpack packing contest it was everything I could do to not sail in and help him as the other participants grabbed things he was holding and elbowed him out of the way.  He is the newest scout and low man on the totem pole.  (This doesn't make it right - I think it's a boy thing.)  My blades were whirring so loud the people in front of me turned around wondering what the noise was. Then as the event turned into a noisy yelling contest I sat there becoming the tiger mom I secretly wish I was, sitting on my hands restraining myself from leaping from my seat and dragging my cub away from this influence.  It got even better as he was presented with his award.  Sweet yet forgetful son bounded to the front while I was supposed to make my way to the stage myself.  Well then, evil mom reared her ugly head and I remained in the audience indicating to the "helpful, friendly, brave" boy that he should escort is mother to the front.  He sheepishly made his way back to me and fairly pulled me to the front.  I got my bling, he got is patch and all was well.  Then, helicopter-tiger-evil mom sat back down wondering how I will ever let this little boy go.

Tip #9 - Marry well

So you see I have my ducks in a row - sort of.  This is about as close to that idiom (is that the right word?) I will ever come.  This is ACTUALLY the free Lego build they do at the mall one day a month.  It is available to the first 250 kids that show up.  There are a few things wrong with this scenario as far as I am concerned - mall, 250 kids, Lego store, mall. (PS - Did any of you know that Lego is in the spell check - whoa) But when mentioning this free event to my dear husband, he gleefully came home from work early, collect ALL FIVE of our kiddos and traipsed to THE MALL to build this little creature.  He fought the crowds, and I understand there was a crowd and people turned away, to come home with a Lego representation of a mallard duck.  That is true love!  And these are the ONLY Lego creations that have not been assimilated into the gigantic bin of Legos we have been amassing over the years - it's a sign :)

Well, I'll end this here.  The dishwasher repair guy just left and I need to get started on the gigantic bin of dishes I have been amassing over the week - sigh.

Tip #8 - Begin with the end in mind

I fell upon one of those I'm-a-perfect-mom-raising-gloriously-perfect-children blogs.  She published this calendar of all the great things you can do with preschool children to teach them the alphabet.  I printed off A-D and decided to give perfect-mom-ness a try.  For A week we drew the letter A, watched ants, ate apples, made alligators from clothes pins, made felt apple necklaces, and I made apple dumplings.  (Try the recipe on allrecipes.com - the one with the whole can of Mt. Dew - caffeine bakes off right?)  For B week I made banana pudding.  C week I made chocolate chip cookies.  (Three C's, I must be a genius.)  For D week we bought doughnuts.  I'm sure you can see where this is going.  Instead of a teaching moment, it became a dessert bonanza.  Did you know that Oreos have a Golden and Ice Cream variety?  G and I - I swear.  The doughnut run was especially fun.  We drove downtown to a little shack and you would not have believed the line up of cars at this place.  We parked down the block and wondered if it was safe to get out and if the car would still be there when we got back.  We walked into said shack and it was packed and we were the only people of our race.  That, of course, was not a problem except we come from a ridiculously lily white part of town and suddenly being in the minority was jolting.  This was a cash only enterprise but the smell of the baking doughnuts was AMAZING!  We followed along in line for about 10 min. and I noticed that the price board really made no sense to me and everyone in front of me ordered without a pause and seemed to know exactly what they were doing and we had 4 little kids running around the lines and leaving prints on the glass case so when it was our turn to order I totally panicked. (Think Soup-Nazi episode.)  We ended up walking out with something like 4 dozen doughnuts - I am completely serious.  I blubbered something about needing 2 dozen glazed and Hubby added the stuff we actually came for and the total was ridiculous.  I walked out in some kind of trance but completely enjoyed the sugar coma that came later.  These doughnuts were AMAZING.  The place is Long's Doughnuts.  Two days ago, Hubby says to me, "I can't wait for L week".  Me too.

Tip #7 - STICK IT OUT!!

To ALL the gals who sit in church alone with small children - props!!!  I hear about 1/8 of the meeting and feel like a heel when someone in Sunday School or Relief Society refers back to Sacrament Meeting and I have no earthly idea what they are talking about.  A bomb could go off and I would be unaware as I am breaking up the squabble between the 11yr old and the 7 yr old (embarrassing I know) or cleaning up the Cheerio mess under the pew.  (Honey Nut so they are palatable to me too.  Let's be real, moms - we eat their food - admit it)  BUT I did have an Osmosis Moment a few weeks ago.  We (so now I've got hubby's help) were at the Stake Center attempting to watch General Conference.  I am busy trying to listen to the speaker, attempting to take notes (HAHAHA) when the 3yr. old bomb goes off.  As I now busily try to ply him with crayons, any sort of food, skittles conference bingo, temple sewing cards, quiet books, "Hey look there are the missionaries" - the speaker asks, "Who's on the Lord's side, who?" and my little guys yells, "ME!"  Hmmmm...I guess I'll just keep trying to be in the right place and pray it's working. 

Tip #6 - Just smile

I need someone to tell me why it is called "organized sports".  I'm sure many comedians have opined on this subject but until you actually live it it just isn't funny.  Just send six 4-5 year olds after a hapless ball and vaguely indicate what they should be doing and what goal they want to {said in overly upbeat voice} "kick that ball" to.  It is anything but organized and as the mother of the ONLY child that is openly pouting on the field it is anything but fun.  Picture of the pout (or hopefully a participating player) will follow as soon as I get to that happy place where I am not kinda embarrassed but her choice.  Until then, here is her favorite moment of the game - SNACKS!  Definitely my daughter. :)

Tip #5 - Turn off the TV

So at 10:30pm last night after all the kiddo's are in bed my 3yr old appears in my bedroom.  We visit for a while (no actually I'm on the phone with Darling Husband who is away camping with our oldest and I attempt to ignore the child while talking to his father).  While transporting the child back to his room, "Carry me like a baby", I notice with a pang of DREAD and FEAR that the front door is open.  I stand there stupidly wondering why we don't have a gun and try to listen (over the obnoxious singing of my child) for the obvious intruder.  Little boy says to me, "Charlotte went outside".  Charlotte is 5.  I completely ignore him.  I finally get my wits about me and decided to check on the kids first and then check on the thief who is definitely robbing us blind downstairs.  I went to the boys room - sleeping soundly, not realizing that their mother is sacrificing herself to the wolves.  Baby says again, "Charlotte went outside."  I ask him to be quiet, I don't need the thug to know where I am.  I head toward Charlotte's room that she and the baby share.  He says again, "Charlotte went outside."  I begin to walk faster as I begin to take this sage-like child seriously.  I am again filled with DREAD and FEAR as I open their room and Charlotte is NOT in bed.  I sail down the stairs, intruder be darned, and run out the front down.  I begin yelling for Charlotte knowing full well she will not answer, praying she will make an exception in this case.  No answer.  I am cursing myself for not breaking her of this habit of ignoring me before now.  I fly to the back door, just in case, and fairly scream for her in the back yard.  Predictably no answer.  I eye the phone and wonder if a policeman will have better results.  I decided to try the front again when Charlotte comes in the front door.  She is completely dressed - shoes, jacket and all - something I can't get her to do on the best of days.  Deciding not to go completely ape on her I shakily ask her what the HECK she was doing outside.  "I was sitting in the bush being a ninja."  I stand there overwhelmed by the adrenaline coursing through my veins, shaking uncontrollably, and completely stupefied by her answer.  I chain the front door, put her back in bed and stay awake for the next 3 hours thanking the Lord for her safety and trying to decide where I've gone wrong.

Tip #4 - Get up all ready!

So, the dishwasher repairman comes (see future Tip) and the kids go nuts (see future Tip) so I prepare to throw them in front of the TV.  I can't find the remote.  Repairman Chris says, "What about the one on the mantel?".  Not the right one.  "What about the one on the table?"  Not the right one. "What about the one on the book shelf?", he says.  Not the right one.  Just about this time I am getting pretty embarrassed.  "What about the one above the TV?" Not the right one.  "What about the one near the plant?" AGAIN, not the right one.  He seriously located FIVE remotes for me and NONE of them were right.  I did finally find the correct one under the couch but by that time he had located our dishwasher ailment (broken motor - seriously see future post) and the kids had gotten tired of me and Repairman Chris and had wandered off.  Need I say more?

Tip #3 - Wipe your troubles away

If you want to feel really good about yourself go on a baby wipe scavenger hunt.  Just see how many open packs of baby wipes you can find around your house.  I made it to 11 without going into the baby's room - the room where the aforementioned baby is sleeping and where all wipes really should be.  There are undoubtedly more open packs in there.  Two questions: 1)Can anyone beat 11?  2)Why is she calling the 3-yr old a baby?

Tip #2 - Wafflling and Waffles

When your 10-yr old adds the entire salt shaker to the broccoli soup "trying to be helpful" DON'T yell at him or Slog him (see title). This makes him feel MORE guilty and he'll cry and hit himself on the head with the broccoli soup spoon he was stirring the soup with. THEN try to add potatoes to the soup. An old trick I think I heard about somewhere. However, only about 10lbs. of potatoes would have worked for this soup and it is still inedible. The pic is what the soup looks like today - Thursday. I made it Tuesday. Why is it still on the stove? I am waffling between pouring it down the drain and pouring it in the trash can. My indecision has lasted 2 days. Note: homemade broccoli soup is not because I am amazing or healthy (a has a entire stick of butter in it). I happened to have frozen broccoli and milk and since it takes NO time at all I threw them together. Maybe the salt was really a plot because after it was ruined we had waffles. A theme around here.

Tip #1 - Self-sufficient

To make life easier be sure to teach your children to climb. Your 3-year old can then get to the glasses without bothering you and your 5-year old can discover her own method of climbing the stairs. "Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads!" In the pic of the 3-yr old, notice the pot on the stove and see Tip #2. Another tip I might add is know the route to your nearest emergency room when Tip #1 fails.